Reflection on last week: (Completing)
I was definitely very productive last week – which seems to have contributed to my feeling better. Yep, maybe it’s just the minuscule amount of Lexapro in my system, but I feel loads better. I’m still a little weirded out by life in general, but I’m thinking I need to absorb that as part of my personality. Why SHOULD I be completely comfortable? The world is bizarre and incongruous at every turn. Completion is part of the small steps I take to restore a semblance of sanity. Completion makes me feel useful and talented.
How apropos – I’m already feeling more energy lately. I’m also ravenously hungry, which is usually a part of my oversleep/over-eat cycle of depression. But not this time, I guess. I’m consuming calories, ideas, everything in my path. Living life, one could say. Of course, I’m kind of just “revving” – I don’t know how much traction I’m getting. Reality is still on the other side of a window – or rather, I’m leaning up against a window and reality is on both sides but I’m preoccupied with the glass. At any rate, back to the topic… (I guess my mind is racing a bit these days)
I think I’ve been unwrapping myself lately – revisiting little passions. We’ve been learning Processing in class, and I’m glad to get back to some programming. I’d love to be a “VJ” and write my own visualizations programs for music shows. I envision myself running manically, shedding entanglements in a haphazard path behind me. All this energy seems overflowing. I think I’m adjusting to what it feels like not to have the constant, constant desire to just curl up and sleep.
But I know in the past, productivity has been a battle, a defense – I latch on to outside momentum and frantically hurry hurry to keep going so the depression can’t get me again. It exhausts me. I hope, this time, I am growing my energy from myself, a solid place. Not weightlessness. Maybe a sign (or a method to make sure) that this is “real” energy is to use it to motivate others. I’ll just be a sunbeam on all y’all, or something.
Sark’s note about emotions seems like another way to know if mine is healthy energy: I’ll be able to feel. That empty vortex that I’ve fought to stay in before left me feeling manic and lost from my real emotions – clueless. Maybe it will be easier now that I’ve confronted myself and decided to carve a space in the real world.
(Living Juicy is by Sark)
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