I don’t do drugs. I took ecstasy a few times between ‘97 and ‘01, and each time it was the greatest goddamn experience ever (You ever walk during the night to a basketball court that wasn’t there? Or lift the toilet lid and see an AOL chat room? How about seeing your friend’s eyes turn into toasted marshmallows? Hallucinations rule). But I knew I was playing with fire. I never got addicted and never even felt the urge like I just had to have more. The only urge I did feel was the desperate need to urinate the 90 gallons of water I drank during the previous night’s festivities. Other people aren’t as lucky and many are genetically hard-wired to grow up and spend their nights selling their various orifices for one more fix.
I couldn’t care less what people do with their personal lives. If you like to smoke weed, bang transgendered hooker furries from Craigslist and watch reruns of According To Jim, hey, that’s your business. Just legalize and tax the hell out of it. Alcohol taught us that prohibition doesn’t work (and leads to good movies ruined by Kevin Costner).
Raise your hand if you were shocked by the news of Corey Haim’s overdose. Ok, put your hand down, smartass – I’m looking for serious responses. Nope, didn’t think so. Nobody expected to ever hear from Corey Haim again until a day like this. Did you visit the URL of his website listed in that picture above? It redirects to the god damn website of the Partnership For a Drug Free America. That’s like surfing for gay porn and winding up at the official site of the Westboro Baptist Church (please don’t click that despicable link).
Like any divisive issue of our time, I maintain my position that people are the problem, not the issue itself. Drugs didn’t kill Corey Haim – Corey Haim killed Corey Haim. Humans are moronic, self-destructive, impulsive creatures and nature almost seems to take pleasure in filtering out the extra-stupid ones. I know I’m certainly enjoying the show.
So don’t be surprised if you wake up tomorrow morning and the Today Show reports that R. Kelly was spotted running out of a nightclub with a 12-year old girl dangling from his cock. Would you really be shocked to learn of another high-profile professional athlete’s admission of steroid use, gambling addiction or wife-beating?
Wake up, America. You should be able to see this shit coming a mile away. I never spent much time pondering it, but I always knew Corey Haim’s departure was just a matter of when, not if. I don’t mourn him, either. He appeared in a couple movies I enjoyed 20+ years ago, long before I had fuzzy balls and knew what actually makes a good film (If you saw The Lost Boys today, you’d lump it in with the rest of the craptastic vampire flicks and abhor its casting of Hollywood pretty-boys). I have no physical or emotional connection to Haim. He’s just another fallen celebrity none of us knew, so put some cold water on that star-fucking boner of yours.
Anyone could be next. Life will go on for the rest of us. So have some fun. Maybe create your own Celebrity Dead Pool.
Shia Lebouf, please pick up the courtesy phone…
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