Still Waiting

So it’s been a few days since I was supposed to find out the news. It hasn’t happened. This is very frustrating and sad right now. I really need to swap meds. I can’t dance enough my balance is off and I really need to try something different. My chest is hurting on and off and I really am loosing faith.

Today I went to the courts to sort something out. I took more clonazepam then usual because I was livid before I even left the house anxiety was at an all time high (still is). When we got there instead of keeping my cool I just lost it at everyone.  I let them no in clear terms how much they are messing with my life and I have enough on my mind right now not to be messing around with courts petty little problems. I told them I was ready to give the judge a bit of what for.

On another note my neighbours are not stopping they’re circus act and are still being abusive and destructive. Again I have to deal with authorities (I’m not good at it.) The police have been great in helping me in that department. But every morning I wake up and am scared to walk outside. If I do that fight or flight action kicks in. and I tell ya it’s the fight one that’s flexing when I walk out. It is getting worse every morning. I am getting so tense and agitated. I don’t have enough  self control – no thats not the word I don’t have enough anti-anxiety meds to get me through the turmoil. If they keep it up it will be Australian Law that gets them not the satisfying glasgow kisses they all deserve.

I have been getting out more via close friends and just brute force. My very close friend called me up to go to the movies. I was really excited/scared to go but I agreed anyway.  I was having major chest pains and wasn’t feeling healthy but I wanted to still go. On his way to pick me up he had an accident on his bike. His wife called me to tell me the bad news. I have felt guilty ever since. No matter what people say I still feel very bad about it. He is recovering now but has alot of injuries (broken neck/back/ribs) He seems bright still and he is very optimistic. I hope he is 100% again soon. Love you T. I am sending my love to him and his family XOXOXO.

On a good note the dance crew Floor20 is supporting me everyday and help keeping my strength up emotionally and physically. I don’t know where I’d Be without them. Thanks Klean, Chas, Merlin, Damij, Jester and Lil Z keepin me up (side down). I’m very glad to know them.

My help from my community workers has been huge. They may not know how much a small conversation helps but It leaves me with a feeling of future. I am still very confused about where things are going but I’ll keep on pushing. I’m getting weaker from everything but when I can’t handle it anymore I’ll need and get some very justified time out. World stop spinning I need to get off.

Peace out,

NW

I am wishing things get better soon. My parents always told me if you wish for somthing it will come true. I believe them.