The horses are coming.

I’m not calling you a liar, just don’t lie to me

I’m not calling you a thief, just don’t steal from me

I’m not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me

And I love you so much, I’m gonna let you kill me

• Florence and the Machine [I'm not calling you a liar]

Ahh, today.. Today, today, today. I rarely use the word ‘hate’ because it’s a strong word, a top-shelf one, but I think I can say I hated most of this morning. The sudden realization about a few choice private matters brought up a lot of fear in my mind. I’m not scared of a lot of things. I think the only things I’m actually, really scared of are: heights, spiders, people close to me dying, and being hated and/or disliked. Quite honestly, I’m scared of my own self and emotions more than anything else. I have to deal with all of my fears, constantly; but dealing with myself has never been something I’m good at, nor do I even want to know what’s going on with my screwed up brain. However, a dear friend of mine brought up some flaws in my eccentric personality. The problem with that is the entire ’speech’ was just saying to me that I’m a fuck up as a person and as a friend. For hours, tears just poured down my face. Then, when I couldn’t cry anymore, I got pissed. I was absolutely livid. How in the fuck could someone dare tell me that I need to change something about myself?!?! I must say, I wouldn’t of wanted to be somebody who had to deal with me sometimes. But it took about five hours for me to calm down enough to try to understand what this friend of mine was saying. Finally, I just gave up and tried to think about other things. I surrounded myself with talkative people, and we were off. Two of my insanely good friends gave me a few things to keep me happy, and I came back to my apartment.

So as of right now, I’m wonderfully high (which means I’m incredibly happy as well). I feel like my brain is working better now, and I can process information better. This is the main reason I smoke all day long, not only for recreational purposes. Looking back on today, I realize that the morning really fuckin’ sucked. And that the evening defiantly wasn’t bad at all. Overall, today was good, average. It’s nice to be able to say that at the end of the day, have you noticed?

______________________

Live like you’re dying; because the fact is, you are.

Tomorrow is never promised, just because you made it this far.

Since I’m so clear headed now, I suppose actually thinking about my biggest fear would be a grand idea. Quite frankly, I never really understood the idea of being able to control yourself. When I was growing up, control was something that was nearly impossible to have. It’s hard to control yourself when everyone around you wants to kick the shit out of you. Now, I’m much more of an adult that I’ve ever been, and it’s apparent to me that it’s a necessary thing to keep in good practice. Really, when I look at this last year, even; I see so many changes, so many differences, so much about myself that is so much better than it was before. But still, I’m not up to par with society’s requirements, so I must continue to grow and change. I’ve yet to find myself, and I suppose that’s normal. I’m not the person that I want to be for the rest of my life. Dreams of being someone who I can be proud to say I am don’t just happen without any work; I know that. Right now, I feel so lost and vulnerable that it’s hard to imagine working on my self as well as dealing with everyday occurrences. I guess I’ve hit another one of those unexplainable bipolar experiences that I have every so often. I’ve noticed that I can change personalities almost with each cycle of my bipolar that I go through. As of now, I feel like more of a child that I’ve felt in a long time but that’s because I’m feeling so distant from everyone I’m familiar with. This downward spiral I’ve sent myself into seems to never end. On the first of the coming month, I’m going to turn this whole thing around. I’m stronger, smarter, and more alive than any mental illness I have. If I actually try to get out of this instead of lowering myself deeper and deeper, I can figure out how to act like a normal person. I used to have semi-strict morals, I used to have as goal for life, I used to be able to get up in the morning and know that everything was going to be alright. Since no therapist or person of the law or parent could ever control me, I figure I can control myself if I put my mind to it. I’ve been slowly learning to eat like a normal person. I’ve consumed actual meals lately. The idea in my head is to try to reverse some of the horrible habits I’ve gotten together with. In doing that, I can start to work on the better parts of myself, and add to them. As with every change I go through, I expect to lose some of the people I currently call friends. The few friends that I can trust will remain but I don’t think I can let myself continue to deal with the bullshit of other people. Ignorance flows over in this country, in this world. I have no reason to subject myself to it. I fully expect to be some much better by the beginning of the year. Effort is key in this, and I just need a little time.