For so long...

For so long I’ve been lying to myself; “I don’t have a problem”.

Whilst I have some pain from what I can see this is no longer the cause for my lust for opiates.

I am now exactly 10 days “clean” from my personal drug of choice codeine; I’m depressed anxious and I no longer seem to have any such lust for life.

I am dealing with this alone, no one knows, I’ve managed to keep my withdrawal secret, in the dark, I took a week off to do it alone.

I don’t want the stigma of someone who has been a “user”, I mean would you want to be known as “the guy who is a drug addict” or “the guy who is an alcoholic” and ignorant people throwing around claims such as “once a junkie always a junkie”.

This is my start on a better life; my start on a life without chemical enhancement, no more THC, Opiates, Benzodiazepines, Hallucinogens, Amphetamines, GHB… aka All the good things in life.

EVIL STALKS THE WORLD -- NO COUNTRY FOR WEAK MEN OR WOMEN

"You've been putting it up your whole life, you just didn't know it...You stand to win everything."

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere

The ceremony of innocence is drowned.

“The Second Coming,” William Butler Yeats.

The book and film of Cormac McCarthy’s No Country for Old Men ought to have scared the hell out of you.

If it didn’t, with all due respect, you just don’t get it.

The ruthless evil of the narcotraficantes that this story portrays is not just the fancy convention of an extremely talented writer.  It is as close to real as you might get, short of submerging oneself in the hell of the real thing.

Cold-blooded killer Anton Chigurh, the role for which Javier Bardem won his Oscar, is as pure a distillation of evil as anything not capped off tightly in a vial behind the wires at Ft. Detrick, MD.

When you get the Chigurh bug, you’re dead.

Thailand About to Spring Merchant of Death Viktor Bout -- No Time for U.S. Diplomats to Equivocate

The movie’s infamous “call it” scene comes to mind today thinking about another pure distillation of evil, international arms merchant Viktor Bout.

Bout exploded out of the cold war as a well connected Merchant of Death.  He played a pivotal role in the arming of children as warriors in Africa and the continuing agony of that continent.  He was brought down by a sting, brilliantly engineered by U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration super-agent Michael Braun.

Arrested in Thailand, Bout seemed to have been on the way to justice in the United States.  But our “friends” in Russia leaned on the Thais, who now seem to be close to springing Bout.

Here is how the Russian news agency Novosti summed up the case last month:

Former Russian army officer Bout, 42, was arrested in Thailand in March 2008 during a sting operation led by U.S. agents.

The Bangkok Criminal Court refused in August to extradite Bout to the United States, where he is accused of conspiring with others to sell millions of dollars’ worth of weapons to the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC), among other illegal arms deals, and “threatening the lives of U.S. citizens.”…

The Russian Foreign Ministry said it will give Viktor Bout all the support he needs. The ministry said it hoped Thailand would not reverse its initial decision of not extraditing Bout to the United States.

“All the support he needs” seems to be working.  Thailand is about to unleash this evil upon the world again, Braun warned in today’s The Washington Times newspaper:

An appellate court in Thailand appears primed to uphold a recent lower court ruling that will unleash Viktor Bout, universally known as the “Merchant of Death,” back on the global community. To say that Bout is upset with the United States after spending more than a year in a Thai prison would be a gross understatement.

…

Bout exploded onto the international scene shortly after the breakup of the Soviet Union, when he effectively leveraged his high-level former Soviet military and intelligence contacts and pounced on a capitalistic opportunity to sell a limitless assortment of Soviet arms that had been stockpiled during the Cold War. I’m talking about everything from AK-47 assault rifles by the millions to such advanced heavy weapons as Mi-24 Hind helicopter gunships, tanks and Igla surface-to-air shoulder-fired missiles that can knock down commercial airliners as easily as a sawed-off shotgun could blast ducks in a barrel.

His clientele were the potpourri of modern-day scum: global terrorists, ruthless dictators, merciless drug kingpins and other transnational organized criminal groups. However, it is the mark that Bout left on Africa that qualifies him as the world’s deadliest “shadow facilitator.”

Bout flooded the continent with hundreds of thousands of AK-47s and other modern weaponry before his arrest. Those arms replaced machetes and other archaic weapons wielded by heavily exploited and drugged young boys, who made up the ranks of several insurgent groups, and instantly transformed them from random murderers into perverse, mindless killing machines operating with assembly-line efficiencies. A million or more innocent Africans were slaughtered.

Read the entire article here.

Braun’s article apparently caused a panic of puckered pants at the State Department.  The Attorney General himself may have been galvanized into action.

Here’s the point: the Russians have tossed the coin and it’s up to the Obama administration to call it.  Bout is not just some guy who sells guns.  He is part of a chain of evil than spans the world:  drug traffickers, terrorists, ruthless and heartless.

The question may be this for the Attorney General:  Is letting Viktor Bout back into the world to sell more death and destruction to terrorist groups like the Colombian narcoteroristas FARC less important than getting admitted pervert and child abuser Roman Polanski back on our soil to serve his time?

When you stand to win everything, you also stand to lose everything.

"Call it!"

Still Waiting

So it’s been a few days since I was supposed to find out the news. It hasn’t happened. This is very frustrating and sad right now. I really need to swap meds. I can’t dance enough my balance is off and I really need to try something different. My chest is hurting on and off and I really am loosing faith.

Today I went to the courts to sort something out. I took more clonazepam then usual because I was livid before I even left the house anxiety was at an all time high (still is). When we got there instead of keeping my cool I just lost it at everyone.  I let them no in clear terms how much they are messing with my life and I have enough on my mind right now not to be messing around with courts petty little problems. I told them I was ready to give the judge a bit of what for.

On another note my neighbours are not stopping they’re circus act and are still being abusive and destructive. Again I have to deal with authorities (I’m not good at it.) The police have been great in helping me in that department. But every morning I wake up and am scared to walk outside. If I do that fight or flight action kicks in. and I tell ya it’s the fight one that’s flexing when I walk out. It is getting worse every morning. I am getting so tense and agitated. I don’t have enough  self control – no thats not the word I don’t have enough anti-anxiety meds to get me through the turmoil. If they keep it up it will be Australian Law that gets them not the satisfying glasgow kisses they all deserve.

I have been getting out more via close friends and just brute force. My very close friend called me up to go to the movies. I was really excited/scared to go but I agreed anyway.  I was having major chest pains and wasn’t feeling healthy but I wanted to still go. On his way to pick me up he had an accident on his bike. His wife called me to tell me the bad news. I have felt guilty ever since. No matter what people say I still feel very bad about it. He is recovering now but has alot of injuries (broken neck/back/ribs) He seems bright still and he is very optimistic. I hope he is 100% again soon. Love you T. I am sending my love to him and his family XOXOXO.

On a good note the dance crew Floor20 is supporting me everyday and help keeping my strength up emotionally and physically. I don’t know where I’d Be without them. Thanks Klean, Chas, Merlin, Damij, Jester and Lil Z keepin me up (side down). I’m very glad to know them.

My help from my community workers has been huge. They may not know how much a small conversation helps but It leaves me with a feeling of future. I am still very confused about where things are going but I’ll keep on pushing. I’m getting weaker from everything but when I can’t handle it anymore I’ll need and get some very justified time out. World stop spinning I need to get off.

Peace out,

NW

I am wishing things get better soon. My parents always told me if you wish for somthing it will come true. I believe them.

OUR JOURNEYS HAVE BECOME ENTWINED

On this past Friday Bradley Naidoo, one of my colleagues, suggested that we take the new men in our program on an excursion to Table Mountain. The purpose of this excursion was to get them away from the hustle and bustle of the city. It was a beautiful day with not a cloud in the sky and no wind blowing. It was hot but enjoyable under the big blue, open sky. City life can keep one constantly busy and surrounded by the constant buzz of the city. In the mountains it is just you, God and His beautiful creations.

The idea of this trek to the mountain was to give them an opportunity to reflect and think about the life journey on which they have embarked. These men, like me, are former drug addicts. They have, however, been clean and drug free for a month now and this is the point at which job one for us is to facilitate their staying clean.

On our arrival at the foot of the mountain we unpacked the van and started up the mountain. We all enjoyed the beautiful day and basked in its beauty and calmness. One could not help but admire the beauty of God’s creations. The fresh water stream flowing down from the mountain all along the trial added to this picture perfect day.

Once we reached our destination the new men in the program were requested to go off alone and find a spot where they could sit quietly, reflect, pray and ask God for guidance. Those of us working with these men found our quiet spaces and did our own praying and reflecting. The time allotted for this was a half hour and at the end of that time they came back to us with feedback.

In my quiet time I reflected and prayed over the city, our city which is located at the foot of Table Mountain. I asked God that He bestow the same peace and grace upon the city, every youth in the city and our new recruits that He has so abundantly brought to both Bradley’s life and mine. Hearing the rush of the stream behind me, I glanced back and saw the stream flowing from the mountain top. It appeared almost as if it were flowing into the city. In that wonderful, peaceful moment it seemed to me as if the water was flowing from the throne of God. As I observed the stream my thoughts went to those words in my NIV Bible, John 7:37 that speak about streams of living water. There was no doubt in my mind that this was God’s way of telling me that this living water will flow into our city and bring healing wherever needed. This thought filled me with gratitude.

After the time of reflection and prayer the feedback from the new men in the program was most gratifying. Furthermore when it was time to leave the mountain, they did not want to go. .I fully understood their not wanting to leave because I’ve experienced that very thing. I know from my personal experience that when one finally gives up drug addiction and gets to know God, it is an eye opening experience, both figuratively and literally. Once my eyes were open to God I begin to see how green the grass is and how blue the sky is. Everything around me became so much more beautiful than it had been before and I began to fully appreciate all of creation.

Knowing we had exposed these new men to that same wonderful experience gave me a wonderful feeling. Not only had we shown them there is more to life than drugs, sex and rock n roll, we had given them the opportunity to be born again into a truly beautiful and fulfilling world.

As I think about keeping you up to date on the journey of these young men who have rid themselves of the slavery of drugs, I think about the title of this blog…Brent’s Journey. The idea of this blog was to keep you up to date on my personal journey. My journey has, however, become so entwined with the journeys of all those I help that my journey is their journey and theirs has, in a way, become mine. In God, we are all one.

May you stay always in God’s Grace, Brent

sultan of dope hill

We lit the hill on fire with gasoline and sat on a cement bench across the football field to watch it burn. This particular hill had been direly dear to us — in the prime force of enduring the years of high school. It was this hill where we dragged large aluminum coated dining tables and long wooden benches from the canteen to furnish the dirt platform that we had flattened — either with our bare hands or spades and sickles that either one of us had stolen from the garage. Carefully hidden in the midst of tall large tropical trees  and condensed bushy plants. 

Ideal to our prerequisites so none of the teachers or shit mouthed students could rat us out to the abusive authorities. Disciplinary enforcers who abused us with rattan canes or primordially with (and again) their bare hands — the ultimate tool for plowing ground and smacking the shit across our faces. Fucking high school.

So what did we do here? Once it had been carefully plotted out and furnished — landscaped to chill out suitability. Each of us had brought in our collection of fine bongs. Some glass, some plastic — depending on our tastes and style and how seriously we took our pot smoking. Which was a pretty serious deal in high school next to skateboarding or either playing in a hardcore – punk band. Some went straight edge and vegan but nonetheless hung out with us there when they skipped classes — listening to Earth Crisis CD’s in their Discman. 

And of course, I was thirteen years old, in fine fashion for the first time in my life — I took the hit of the bong — Coughed a little, choked a little and possibly farted a little but nothing had happened. I wondered why and voiced out my curiosity. All the older kids said was come back tomorrow and do it again. So I did. And again in fine fashion for the first time in my life — I experienced my first high the next morning, possibly during the two periods of Geography in which I was supposed to be attending. But I remember distinctly being wondrously paranoid and felt the teacher (a large hideous Chinese bitch) coiling around the branches of trees like a large blubber of fat morphing into snakes. But snakes added to the delight of being afraid, so maybe I was going to be swallowed by a dragon fly. The football field just below rung in a deadly silence. I heard the voices of prefects and teaches that threatened to show and eventually just dissipated with the wind. Then it started to come down — the intensity waving and I actually began to enjoy it. Just being high. Being content as a motherfucker. Sitting on a wooden bench within the security of a school system and within a security of our own. Totally invigorating. We had names. I mean look at us sitting here, in our school uniforms, fucking badge over our shirt pockets. Not belonging to nobody.

And yes we did. Now we walked around the school with a new found freedom. Brimming with a brotherly secret. With the days that followed, there was a constant supply and we had chilled. Lounging. Those who didn’t want to smoke had brought the good old Jack the Devil. Some did both. It was a great plan. Conceptualized by a bunch of high school outcasts. Those who were elevated from the rest. We lived a different consciousness. The gangs couldn’t figure us out. The teachers hated us. Those who walked around with cannes always pinned something on us — knowing something was up but not knowing where to pin point that shit.

We had even built a tunnel through the bushes. With a trap door leading to a second tunnel that took us there. You had to remove a bush door and crawl all the way in. The best part was, nobody even knew that shit was there. It was rather exclusive. No one needed a membership. It was just there. Either you knew it or you didn’t. 

Well, and so we got discovered 4 years later. It sure was a blast for what it was. They finally legitimized this as an official problem. And then they brought the cops in. And the decoy was and investigation for kids skipping classes. But it sure enough was for us. And we had years of collected fine evidence of homemade bongs that were stashed around. Maybe little samples of stale cannabis here and there. 

One day, me and a friend decided to torch it. We got some gasoline. Rigged the place up with enough dried leaves and smoked it. So here we sat. Watching it all go up in flames. History. A sort of communion in peace. The fire seemed to be a driving force behind an intellectual elite. We refused the system. We refused the pop culture. We had created what that had belonged to us and set it free into the world.

Then we grew up. And some of us had lived. And some died.

The City of Juarez, Mexico is in need of our prayers and support. Please pray for the good people of Juarez.

In July, 2009  I traveled alone to Juarez, Mexico to visit a children’s home called Juventud con Vision.  I was there for 17 days and then left Juarez by walking across the border bridge to the USA.

• July, 2009 was recorded as the deadliest month in Juarez’ s history, 248 murders, almost as many as in all of 2007.
• Take a little time to read some of the accounts below of what is happening to this city and then pray and ask God to deliver the good citizens of Juarez from these wicked and evil spirits  of murder and lawlessness that have manifested themselves here – Pray for the deliverance of Juarez.  -  Nick Pukalo

• Fighting the border drug war

• Purported Mexican cartel members threaten El Paso businesses
• State police officer killed outside her Juárez home
• Man pleads guilty to smuggling drugs
• 1,470 pounds of pot found inside trailer
• Juárez: Woman’s rape-slaying under investigation
• Ex-Juárez officer is held in 18 deaths
• Juárez slaying tied to Aztecas: Man was ex-husband of woman convicted in racketeering case
• Juárez: Gated bar district is safest place to socialize
• Officials arrest 5 in drug rehabilitation massacres
• Journalist is slain in Casas Grandes
• 3 of 4 Juárez shooting victims were U.S. citizens
• Beheaded man among 8 slayings in Juárez area
• Mexico’s attorney general nominee draws fire for his former job as prosecutor in Juarez
• Juárez Mayor Jose Reyes Ferriz: U.S. drug policies need to change
• Man arrested in informant’s slaying, was part of surveillance effort for Juárez drug cartel
• SUV chased through New Mexico; occupants flee
• Protection for people of Lomas de Poleo sought
• More than a dozen slain during weekend
• UTEP drug conference: New cartel methods widen drug war’s toll
• Bodies of 2 men found in trunk, at intersection
• Officials: Nightclub fire may be arson
• Border forum on U.S. War on Drugs to focus on creation of ‘rule of law’
• 5th man held in killing of Mexican drug cartel lieutenant-turned-U.S. informant
• Mexico closes drug rehab centers after attacks
• More carnage: Shootings at carwash, eatery kill 10 more
• Mexican federal agent killed in Juárez; five killed in restaurant
• As city celebrates independence, drug-related violence eclipses record
• U.S. man found with ammunition in Juárez
• 2 men found slain inside their homes in Juárez
• Some question need for Gov. Rick Perry’s plans to deploy Ranger teams to border
• Officials say suspect took part in slayings
• Gov. Rick Perry says Ranger special teams to go to Texas-Mexico border
• El Paso man arrested by Mexican army, suspected of being hit man for Juárez drug cartel
• Horizon City man’s mutilated body found in Juárez late Tuesday
• Arrest of high-ranking boss Jose “El Rikin” Escajeda could weaken Juárez cartel, officials say
• Alleged cartel big shot arrested
• Group of suspected hit men accused in 211 killings worked for Juárez cartel
• Man held in Juárez slaying denied release
• Juárez police allege 3 hit men killed 211
• Defense lawyer for Mexican drug kingpin killed
• 2 Juárez shooting victims brought to El Paso
• El Paso-born teen dies in Juárez shooting
• Woman from U.S. shot in Juárez
• Mexican army captain slain in Juárez
• Funeral home, cemetery offer services to Las Cruces family of 3 slain in Juarez
• Mexico cartels go from drugs to full-scale mafias
• Slain family planned to leave Juárez
• 19 dead, 20 injured in Mexico prison fight
• Mutilated body found at Juárez monument
• July was Juárez’s deadliest month
• Military finds ammo, weapons in Juárez prison
• Drug lieutenant slain on East Side allegedly was confidential informant
• ICE investigation backfires
• Former ICE informant says he helped convict 50

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