Worth Pointing Out Now That...

…thanks to the total fuck-up that was last year, thanks to my first semester being completely lost due to the state I was in, and the second not much better because let’s face it I was still getting better, I wasn’t just better straight away, thanks to my being an arrogant, lazy little shit, thanks to the way I hardly worked this summer because I really wasn’t feeling too great, thanks to all of this, thanks to the fact that I just don’t work hard enough for things I want, or didn’t work hard enough for things I wanted, thanks to the fact that I thought I might just be clever enough to breeze through and didn’t want to work hard when I knew I wasn’t going to do well, and I just didn’t want to put in the effort only to not do particularly well because if I had started working it would have been too late, and I would feel like working wasn’t worth it because if I work, I want to do well, damn you, not just passably OK, thanks, basically, to the fact that I am an arrogant, lazy little cunt who totally deserves everything she’s got, I failed two of my exams, which means I lost thirty credits, which means I can’t progress onto Level Two of my degree, which means that next year, I’m going back as a part-time student to retake the two modules I failed, I’m going to get a job to fund me through this year and to give me something to do with the time when I’m not working, and actually, maybe this is a chance for me to learn a lot about myself. Maybe this will be a good thing for me.

I’m just really angry that effectively it’s all mainly a consequence of being too depressed for too long to do anything about it. That someone who is as clever and potentially brilliant as me should be scuppered by an illness she can’t control or understand, that I’m buggered before I begin because I’m just weighed down with a condition, a weakness, and however good I could be half the time I’m fighting something which I shouldn’t have to fight. I don’t know why I shouldn’t have to fight it, I guess I really mean, no-one should have to deal with this because you think of your mind as being something that’s in your control and so it’s being ill is just not fair, frankly. That’s enough of me being a petulant little brat. I probably deserve this.

So now, I do organised things, I register, I work out how I’m going to get the money to do all of this, and simply, I pray.