My psychiatrist thinks I’m delusional. I don’t think this is a fair assumption, because I do have evidence to the contrary, evidence that confirms my beliefs are not unfounded, but perhaps I did not present this in a clear enough way, probably for fear that any opposition to his opinion would be seen as confirmation that I lack insight. I have another appointment with him on Friday though, so perhaps I’ll be able to make him understand a bit better then. I have even more evidence now; he’s got to listen.
I have agreed to try Aripiprazole again, as he says we need to be working in partnership, which seems to be synonymous with ‘you have to do everything I say’. I told him I doubt taking it would make any significant difference, but he was pretty persistent and insisted I give it a go, so I’ve complied. I’ve got a little bit of diazepam that I’m supposed to take too, for the agitation, and I’m restarting the Venlafaxine. I took this combination for the first time this morning, and I have to say it wasn’t particularly pleasant. I was fluctuating between being really restless and on edge, and then being really tired. I’ve had two two-hour naps today, so needless to say I’m going to have another sleepless night. My limbs also feel quite strange, weak I suppose, and a little shaky. Nice.
I’m feeling pretty awful right about now. My thoughts are intrusive and confusing. I’ve resorted to self-harming again, something I thought I’d never return to. My sleeping pattern is a mess. My appetite has disappeared, and everything I eat tastes strange. Energy and motivation levels are about zero; paranoia is off the scale.
I am scared.
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