KENNINGTON: So what’s the gig?
ROGER: A new drug, “Perplexia”
KENNINGTON: What are we talking about here? Cure for Cancer? Aids treatment? Night time antics assistance?
ROGER: Traffic lights
KENNINGTON: Traffic lights?
ROGER: Yeah, real problem apparently. Causes Sustained Blinking Apathy or “Red Eye”
KENNINGTON: As in photos or flights?
ROGER: No, as in sudden, prolonged involuntary blinking you can’t be bothered to stop
KENNINGTON: At red lights I presume?
ROGER: Amber
KENNINGTON: Genius. So how many people suffer from this Red Eye?
ROGER: No idea
KENNINGTON: They didn’t give you any figures?
ROGER: They can’t, I’m told it’s a pre-emptive societal condition treatment
KENNINGTON: Excuse me?
ROGER: It means that no one has ever been diagnosed with it but they are pretty sure it’s just a matter of time.
KENNINGTON: So how do they know even know it exists?
ROGER: Well, you know about IOS?
KENNINGTON: Irate Organ Syndrome?
ROGER: Well six weeks before that hit the market no one had been tested for even a mildly disgruntled liver
ROGER: The drug launched and the masses were exposed to ad campaigns featuring spleens taunting their owners and kidneys verbally abusing blind children. Suddenly every housewife west of Cape Cod wants a magic pill to take care of their recently discovered ranting lung. Within a month Angrilex was the number one selling organ placation treatment on the market.
KENNINGTON: What does that have to do with Perplexia?
ROGER: Same people, different drug.
KENNINGTON: So how potentially serious is this Sustained Blinking Apathy?
ROGER: Well understand that all anyone has are projections and simulations at this point. They really need someone or something to be diagnosed before they can truly understand its effects. So far all we have right now is acute embarrassment. There’s not much worse in life than being stuck at the lights looking like you are rapidly winking at the traffic police.
KENNINGTON: And that’s a serious enough issue to warrant a multi-million dollar investment in this drug?
ROGER: Just remember Irate Organ Syndrome – billions of dollars in revenue. BILLIONS!
KENNINGTON: So any side effects with this Perpexlia?
ROGER: Oh loads. They tested the drug on a bunch of Swedish cab drivers last summer.
KENNINGTON: Anything serious?
ROGER: Premeditated Aural Anorexia for a start
KENNINGTON: Aural Anorexia???
ROGER: Horrific business. Your ears essentially refuse to eat any kind of noise. You can still hear but you aren’t getting any nutritional benefit from the sound. Three weeks later and your ears are parting company with your head and you end up vacuuming them up off the kitchen floor. Screws you for sunglasses too.
ROGER: There’s also Egyptian Artery. The patient’s blood gets confused and can only find its way to the ankles. Within a couple of hours the patient’s feet invariably explode. I’m no Doctor but I can imagine that’s going to seriously balls up your weekend.
KENNINGTON: This is a joke.
ROGER: No Joke. Prime Digit Digits also cropped up. Multiple cases of patients’ second, third, fifth and seventh fingers rapidly forming blue collar workers’ rights groups to start fighting “the man”. It’s pretty serious when that man is you and you are driving a fare from Enköping to Stockholm at 3 o’clock in the morning. None of them ended well.
KENNINGTON: Any “classic” side effects we need to consider? You know Death? Diabetes? Cancer? Infertility? The usual suspects…
ROGER: Oh, all of the above, goes without saying. Think of it as a friendly poison that stops you blinking when you are stopped in the car.
KENNINGTON: So we are being asked to market a drug for a non-existent condition that “may” cause extended blinking at traffic lights?
ROGER: Sustained Blinking Apathy please
KENNINGTON: Sorry, Sustained Blinking Apathy
ROGER: Better
KENNINGTON: The same drug which might also take your ears offline, blow your feet clean off, increase your chances of hand mutiny, expose you to a host of potentially terminal illnesses and ultimately fast-track you to good old fashioned death?
ROGER: Don’t forget erectile disenfranchisement
KENNINGTON: And wang depression
ROGER: So you are clear on the brief then?
KENNINGTON: Crystal. So how big is the pill?
ROGER: Not a pill. It’s a two part semi-effervescent tonic. Part peaches, part cream. Well I say cream…
KENNINGTON: Novel. So this is FDA Approved?
ROGER: They are waiting to see how good the ads are before they go anywhere near it.
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