Dear Robert Downey Jr.,
I hate you.
My hate is not unfounded. I was not turned off by one of your many dazzling performances of songs. Oh no, I was turned off by your attitude. You’re like a white Kanye West just waiting to interrupt someone. I wouldn’t be surprised if you interrupted Jude Law as he went up to get an award for playing Watson in Sherlock Holmes. In fact, I’m surprised you and that movie didn’t get more recognition. Just goes to show you the many uses of green screen and dumb plots.
Now, I remember fondly the night I first discovered you. I watched Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang with my mother. She knew who you and Val Kilmer were, while I was a young film fledgling and just learning the ropes. Your performance? It was spot on and it was hot watching you make out with Val Kilmer. The credits even had you singing and omg…I sang along and downloaded the song…it’s still on my ipod…douchebag.
Next, I saw you in A Scanner Darkly, which was generally a WTF film that you somehow did…amazing in. Just…WTF. Seriously. WTF.
Then, I saw you in Iron Man. Granted, I didn’t really like it and I didn’t like your character (Tony Stark = You with a big business), but it had some good action sequences and your computer was voiced by PAUL MOTHAFUCKIN BETTANY. Mhm.
I saw you in Sherlock Holmes, and I pretty much had multiple orgasms throughout the entirety of the film.
After watching Sherlock Holmes, I saw interviews with you and Jude Law and my oh my…I have reason to believe that you are actually fucking your co-stars. The chemistry between you and Val? Gay. The way you handled Anton Yelchin? Chickenhawk. You and Jude? GAY BUTT RAPE. Seriously. You were almost in his lap at one point and he looked too scared to say anything. Stop raping people, you asshole :[
Also, quit being an asshole. You act so arrogant and proud. “Oh I’m Robert Downey Jr.! I kicked a bad drug habit and make award winning films and shows! I can sing! I can act! I’m kind of old but look good shirtless! I can do anything! Oh look at me be an asshole and you all LOVE IT!”
Well I don’t love it, sir. I actually wish that I didn’t feel overwhelming hate just from seeing your face, because I get turned on at the same time, and I’m sure that’s not healthy.
Why don’t you do everyone a favor before you go around itnerrupting people at award shows, m’kay?
- Be humble. We know you’re fucking awesome. There’s no need to blow your own dick.
- Get out of Jude’s ass/lap/mouth.
- Stop making smart ass comments that really aren’t necessary.
I’m sure this will make me and many others stop hating/loving you and just love you. Oh and if you decide you’re too good for my advice, then go snort a coke/heroin/meth mix from Jude’s ass crack.
Sincerely, Daiya.
P.S.: In the Sherlock Holmes sequel, you and Jude should have a shirtless scene together. That will get you an even larger fanbase.
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